Nearly believable contract clauses
The brilliant folks over at Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency have dug up some interesting clauses in the new contracts handed out to free agents this winter.
(Hat tip to David Pinto.)
I think Royce Clayton’s might be my favorite one:
If he finishes the season with a batting average above .220, the Blue Jays pay him an extra $1 million. Finishing between .221 and .230 gets Royce a handicapped sticker on his car and the key to every bathroom in the city. If he does the impossible and hits above .231, Royce gets to choose any three people, players or citizens, to get beaned by B.J. Ryan fastballs.
Though I did appreciate the clause given out to another Blue Jay acquisition, Frank Thomas:
If the Big Hurt loses 74 percent or more of his knee cartilage while playing on Toronto’s harsh FieldTurf, he will be awarded two brand-new bionic knees, allowing him to fulfill his destiny by competing in the 2008 Summer Olympics and bringing the triple-jump gold medal back home to America, where it belongs.
And here’s one I “found” myself, in the Gil Meche contract from Kansas City:
If Meche wins 12 games for the Royals in 2007, he’ll get a voucher for a dozen free doughnuts at any Kansas City area Krispy Kreme. Also, if his ERA is under 5.00 at the All-Star break, he’ll be given the First Annual Mark Redman Memorial All-Star Award, which is actually a $5 gift certificate to Gates Barbeque. Upon completion of his first injury-free season, Meche will also be given a pass that will allow him to park at Kauffman Stadium for half-price.